What I’m saying to myself these days:
“Man cut your roots”, then I’m replying “Cutting roots isn’t so easy”, then “You wanna live as a dancing leaf or stay gloriously as a tree?”, then, “I fall thinking of hard times of staying naked against the cold winds”
What I’m saying these days to myself, “Be calm, everything would be OK” and then I respond myself “Hey, I’m not stupid, why do you want to cheat me?” and this conversation lasts for minutes and sometimes for hours. Few days ago I got I rejected to be admitted as a graduate student for first(and main) round in Baylor university. For someone in the same situation as me, it’s a great shock. To gamble your future for continue in the field you love it, but the result, you’re not eligible. I don’t know how much else should I hear these coarse words? There’s no limit for the cruelty of this world. When I was in high school I have been believing that God controls this world, and subsequently, I’ve been believing he never makes unlimited pain to his creatures. But it’s few years, I’m changed completely. Now I see this world can be cruel very unlimited. A baby can die of freezing in Syria, or a child can lose her family in one moment by striking a rocket and so much more stories. Yes, this world can be cruel so far than my imagination. And I should adapt myself or just leave it silently.
It’s more than 4 years I’m trying to be fitted as an applicant to U.S. universities. I’m the only son of the family. Ultimately, this year I finished the qualification exams with acceptable scores, and I applied to three universities in U.S. and now waiting for their answers. My mother has started his dialysis for few months. She’s a diabetic and her doctor has told she should start the dialysis. My dad also is a diabetic and my sister too. All these events entered me to a big dilemma toward staying with family or leaving them to USA. I was thinking about it that I got it’s time now to introduce myself to Mandatory Military service in Iran. There’s a provision for families with only just one son to waive legally the military service, in order to, help his parents. Today I got it’s very complicated and with a high possibility I wouldn’t be accepted eligible for that special provision. Now, I see myself a cruel guy who decided to forget his family and just think about application and leaving Iran as soon as possible. I’m black swan.
I googled to find the English equal for “اصول گرایی”(a Farsi word), finally I found the word. Fundamentalism is bad or not? In past I always have been thinking being strict on good characters is very important part of being a good one. After few years and being encountered with hardships made me to change my mind. Because if I didn’t do then I couldn’t to continue. So I had to to choose between two. One to continue with redefining the worths and another to suicide. I’m still in process and haven’t finished it yet.
It’s a long time, almost 3 years I know Osho. It’s long for me, because of many events which associated with me in these 3 years. In first months of studying about Osho, I found how much true is this man, how much real is this man. I meditated for every sentence I was listening or reading about Osho, sometimes hours for few words. I’ve lived in Iran, in a religious country, which educates religion from the childhood. I know what Osho says, I know how true he is. Unfortunately I have been afraid for whole of my life, I was enlightened by Osho for few months, but I wasn’t brave enough to cut all my dependencies and follow the truth. After 2 years, I lived recently for few months a highly stressful situation, I got to be familiar with an American friend. We were talking whole a day by chat, I was talking her about all bad events which is in my life, I just complain about everything, but I can’t figure out a way to relinquish all that miseries in my behind. I fall in love with her, I talked her about my special desires, slavery feelings for worship a girl as Goddess. She wasn’t known about these stuff, but actually in any word I was speaking, first I was saying all them to myself. I read an article completely haphazardly from Osho. An article about the “The Fundamental Slavery“, it was another time enlightening. I found every words of that article so true. Now, I’m so relaxed and so normal.
There are stuffs these days in my mind, made me really uncomfortable. Application process, talking with graduate adviser and lots of others works to show them I am merited one for that position, all these stuffs have made me mad. Connecting with scientists(professors) is difficult than connecting to science. Scientists aren’t pure and exact but science, it is. What I’m looking for is science which is perfect, it doesn’t care which country you’re from, also doesn’t care which language you’re speaking. But admission office treat in different way. They accept just the flowers with great smell. Maybe I will smell great too, but not yet. But science doesn’t care which smell quality you have. Sometimes I become tired of emailing professors, and they become tired to response me. But the science never get tired of my curiosity. This is great. Thanks the evolution.
“I want to get high score in that exam. I should pass this exam. Oh, I failed in that one.”
When I concentrate on details of events which happened in my life, I can see some delicate details. Being in a stressful position bothers me a lot. To escape from all these stressful events, it’s wisely to refuge to the Nature. It’s perfect. It doesn’t ask you anything to start interacting with you, to show its beauty. It’s natural and this is beautiful. To be accepted by that university, or passing that exam, all of these requests, asks you something to interact with you in a positive way. This is so bothersome. I think this is just the wrong way of doing something. We should leave it as soon as possible. We could treat as same as nature, in a natural way. We can do our own duties in a perfect way. There shouldn’t be any inquiry to do something, this isn’t perfectness. The perfectness comes with being natural. Have you seen any flower to ask you something to show its beauty? It never happens, it shows its beauty as innocent as it is. I try to respond people natural asking in a perfect way, but about passions they’re asking me, I’m really sorry. Now, It’s not very hard to answer why people get used to be embarrassed forever.